Sunday, July 31, 2005

i tell myself, wipe the tears and continue walking.
i'll be fine, i remind myself.
and here i am, feeling much more better.
however, it seems that everyone is stressed up and always feel like crying.
yepp, if you wanna cry, go ahead, but pick yourself up after crying.

cindy - life is not that bad. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL, life is full of colours. you might not see it now, but you'll see it soon. lets search for the real cindy and vanessa together. cheers!

friends aint friends if there's no trust. this how i'm feeling right now.

i need a friend who is willing to take care of me, listen to me, play with me, study with me, argue with me and laugh with me. but i dont wanna be too reliant on them, cos' i'm really afraid i'll grow to be reliant on them. i'm thankful too, that some of them has really shown their concern for me, but i chose to chase them away. i am so emotional, crying when there's no one ard, and pretending to be really happy when people are ard me. the feelings just arent great. sorry, really sorry (you shld know who you are if you're readg) Earlier today, i lost control and cried til my eyes are swollen. my mom was shocked and aint sure what to do and she thought that was becos of studies. and i hope i knew whats up with me so that i can get a lil better. i thought i was well again, like before, carefree and insane, but i realised i am still feeling really empty and tired. typing this, my tears roll down my cheeks. i thought i'll be alright, i thought i'm brave. i thought i'm fine. but thats not true at all. i'm even more emotional now.
i'm really scared to be too reliant, i dont want to get on reliant on that person, and then he/she suddenly leaves my life, i'll be totally freaked out and lost. i dont want that to happen cos that has alrdy happened before. i aint sure if i'm the only one feeling so empty right now. i totally freaked out when a friend starts to get closer to me. i need a true friend, but i dont know who i can truly, totally trust and rely on. What if he/she just leaves me? What if he/she gets tired of me? sigh, i really am lost right now. i guess i made life difficult for myself, but what can i do? this is me. the real me. the me under my skin and fats. ha. it may not be that bad, i still can laugh at myself. probably becos i cried like donno what just now.
i think you might think that i'm a fool, cos' i think so too. i'm not just a fool, i'm an idiot, bloody idiot. fullstop.

i need help.
okay. i've no choice but admit that i'm feeling sucky these few days.
i need to throw up everything inside. though it sounds easy, but i dont know whats into me. i'm feeling the worse these few days. want to cry out loud til my body gets dehydrated, but i'm trying, trying hard to hold my tears. swallowing them - its hard. but i've to do it .

jo, my dearest sweetest darling -
thanks. seriously. i feel much better .

john, my kakee -
thanks too, really enjoy your company.

mike, BROTHER -
thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you again.
your advise for me is great!

holding back my tears.
swallowing my tears.

i'm insane.
i'm sick in the mind.
i'm selfish.
i'm annoying.
i'm anything but nice.

it hit upon me that nothing is forever.

regardless whether its friendship, relationship, or sometimes even kinship.

that makes me wanna cherish things more.

probably because i went thru' things a sixteen shldnt be going thru'

perhaps its good, but it may also be bad for me cos i'm starting to be so negative.
i'm losing my friends and i'm losing myself..

i'm not sure what to write.

eugene, jiayou!

it was your birthday two days ago,
we didnt forget.
i cross my heart and pray for you,
wishing you all the very best.

i'm losing my friends.
i need help.

i'm back.
and i'm sure you people miss me so much right?

actually nothing much, gonna meet my old classmates tml. pretty cool eh?

school. i'm back at school, theres nothing i'm proud of.
screwed up my chinese oral.

by the way, cindy miss me like anything. ha` she just called me today and started yakking abt her menses cramps. . dumb girl.